dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
