if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
