Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
