jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
