so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Houston, we have a blender
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
