I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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