guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The air was thick with penises
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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