Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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