Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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