Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
smell my finger.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
