1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i now understand why vodka
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
