Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
