Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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