How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
