i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
