I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Lo siento on account of my penis...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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