Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
