So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
