If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
