her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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