I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
