Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
