$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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