Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
