I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
