So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
