I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
