Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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