This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
