Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
