I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
