Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it