Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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