I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
