I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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