Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
