In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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