Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
