If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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