My underwear smells like fireworks.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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