I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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