You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
