cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
