how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
pop tarts are not kleenex
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
