How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
