I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
