my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
