I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When did angry sex become our thing?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.