DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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