It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
