Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
