a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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