I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
