you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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