its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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