Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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