How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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