Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish you could order shots online.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
