remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
