mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
