You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
