Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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