Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
