she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
