Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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